Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Ides of March

This morning Aedan exclaimed, "Today's March first!"  To which I did not to respond how I really wanted, which was "I hate this day."  But I really do hate this day, and all day continued to remind myself that "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."  Otherwise I could have enjoyed a nice long pity party, which would not have benefitted anyone.  But you might be wondering what's so bad about March first.  Well, you see, nine years ago today my dad suddenly died of a massive heart attack, forever changing my life.  (Last year I wrote a tribute to him on this very blog; you can read it in the archives if you want.)  So now you know why I, along with Shakespeare say, "Beware the Ides of March."  But this blog is not going to be a melancholy or depressing blog, because, you see, I have a new favorite song!  You can check it out right here, if you haven't heard it yet.  While the story behind the song is about a little girl who runs to God when she finds out her parents are divorcing, I can totally relate.  See, when faced with a tragedy or super difficult situation, you always have two choices: run TO God, or run FROM God.  At that time in my life, I ran straight to God.  At that time my current favorite song was Holy by Nichole Nordeman.  I remember coming home from the hospital and sitting in my room and blasting that song.  "Somehow all that matters now is, you are holy, holy."  I knew that I knew that God was still God, and he would get me through.  I'm not going to try and tell you it was easy, because it wasn't.  It was indescribably hard.  But I drowned myself in God's Word, literally saying verses to myself over and over for hours just to get through the day.  But get through I did.  And I honestly don't know how anyone can survive a crisis without the solid Rock supporting them. 
Fast forward a year and a half.  Jason and I made the crazy move to Michigan, which turned out to be only a slight second to the death of my dad on the Terrible Life Experience list.  Remember when I said we always have two choices in bad/hard situations?  I couldn't even begin to explain why, after the way God totally brought me through such an awful ordeal, I would respond in any other way than I had before.  But I did.  I was so angry and hurt, and I made the dreadful decision to run from God, instead of to him.  No favorite songs of praise, no verses of strength of comfort running through my head.  Just so much rage that I thought my head would literally shoot off of my body at times.  Oh, and the anxiety attacks, those were fun.  Still, in my stubbornness, I blamed God and refused to trust him.  So much like the Israelites, who saw God's wonders in Egypt, but so quickly gave up hope in the desert.  It took me a loooonnngg time to come to terms with what had happened, and to decide to trust God again.  But trust him I do.  Because all that time, when I wanted to completely and utterly give up on him, he never gave up on me.  He was always with me, is with me still, and will always be.  His love is unfailing, unending.  And it is for you to, no matter what you've done, what you're doing, or what you're facing in your life.  God.  Is.  There.